Sandwich Mechanics: An Honest and Unironic Chat About Sandwiches

Well, it's 2013, and it's looking like it'll be another great year for sandwiches... in that sandwiches still exist, and I'm still going to be eating them. Life is good.

Sometime back in December, my college friend Kirill hit me up on AIM, and we proceeded to have a totally unironic, legitimate conversation about sandwiches. It's got a smattering of stupid college-time inside jokes, but there's real magic here, you guys.

Kirill: OK

Kirill: your latest post about sandwiches made me realize something

Kirill: I toast the shit out of everything

knutaf: uh oh

Kirill: which means I might be MISSING OUT

Kirill: on soft texturezzz

Kirill: and whatnot

knutaf: that's possible

knutaf: i like toasting, too, but not on regular lunchmeat

knutaf: somehow it never comes out right for me

knutaf: kind of this weird mix of hot and cold

Kirill: OK here's something bufu

Kirill: for me, cheese works as a bridge between the hot and the cold

Kirill: I don't know how to describe it further

knutaf: i guess I kind of buy it

knutaf: but meat is the core for me, and that ends up unsatisfying in the end

Kirill: oh wow, TWO levels of qualifiers

Kirill: a provisional purchase

Kirill: AND a Keith-grade yig

knutaf: yeah, i've got some pretty strong reservations about that

knutaf: oh man, haven't thought about keith in like seven years

knutaf: "keith"

Kirill: no, I completely buy your reservations

Kirill: and even reserve another batch of your reservations

Kirill: in a meat-centric sandwich, things either serve the meat

Kirill: or GET THA FUCC OUTT

knutaf: oh man, a twofold reservation

... idiotic nonsense ensues...

Kirill: a comment I'd meant to make earlier is that, for me, there are many sandwiches where meat is merely a participant, not the star of the show

Kirill: I can think of no better example than the corn beef sandwich

knutaf: really? corned beef is pretty strong in taste, if i remember right. it's been a while

Kirill: right, so check it

Kirill: you also add something equally strong -- sauerkraut -- and use cheese to bind them together

Kirill: not to mention that the rye bread has a very strong character of its own

knutaf: so it's more like a saurkreef sandwich than a corned beef with saurkraut

Kirill: sure

knutaf: i dig it. that sounds pretty good

Kirill: in the USSR, there's also a nontrivial fondness for open-faced sandwiches

knutaf: i have to be wary of saurkraut though. too often it ends up too wet, and sogs up the sandwich

Kirill: yeah, this is very important

knutaf: maybe not "too often", but it happens

Kirill: of all the ingredients in a corn beef sandwich, the kraut demands the most scrutiny quality-wise

knutaf: open faced sandwiches just seem inconvenient. two slices of bread is a totally fine ratio of bread to filling

Kirill: well, I'll describe to you the various pros and you can decide whether you buy them

Kirill: a beloved children's cartoon has a cat that urges kids to eat their open-faced sandwich face-down so that your tongue can directly contact the top parts

Kirill: it's completely cheeky and it's obvious that the cat is just making a joke

Kirill: but I was one of the kids that took it seriously

Kirill: and there are many meats and spreads alike where the cat's advice made a difference with respect to how much mileage you got out of the top stuff

Kirill: which invokes the further point that, yes, 2:1 bread to filling ratio is reasonable for many -- but not all -- things

knutaf: so you attempted to eat your open faced sandwich upside down? how'd that work out for ya?

Kirill: it's a subcultural joke at this point

Kirill: you'll see people eating it face-down and you KNOW where they got the concept from

knutaf: that's awesome. but doesn't your sandwich just fall all over the place?

Kirill: not if you're careful, which might be a terrible answer

knutaf: what the heck. i can't even picture this

Kirill: for me, it was a take-it-or-leave-it concept until my mom gave sandwiches with these truffle-infused cheese spreads and whatnot

Kirill: I didn't always enjoy them to the extent that my mom did

Kirill: but I did know that I wouldn't even be able to ACCESS the nuances to evaluate them had I added an extra portion of bread

knutaf: hmm

knutaf: this may not have been a luxury for back there, but sounds like the panini might be a good compromise here

Kirill: panini are a good counterexample

Kirill: they rely so much on the structure (i.e. the things being properly joined) that an open-faced rendition will be harder

Kirill: but to me, that's just part of a spectrum

Kirill: if I want to try out a new kind of salami for the first time, after I've had it without any bread, I'll have it on an open-faced sandwich first

knutaf: right, an open faced panini is probably not going to work, but the compressed bread reduces the ratio while still giving structure

Kirill: yeah, I was about to mention bread compression

Kirill: because slicing the bread thin Doesn't Cut It (HUUHUHHUHUHHH)

knutaf: hahahaa noooooo

knutaf: noooooo eeeeeeyes

knutaf: nooooo ryyyyyeeees

Kirill: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Kirill: less bread, however, is something I completely buy

Kirill: i.e. a small sandwich not too far from serving something on a ritz cracker

Kirill: incidentally

Kirill: caviar is something I'd NEVER serve close-faced

knutaf: yeah, I buy that. caviar is ultar expensive, though, so you really want as minimal a vehicle as possible

Kirill: I'd argue that it's not really about cost, but texture

Kirill: how familiar are you with caviar?

knutaf: oh. i've barely ever had caviar. maybe just once

Kirill: I smell an experiment

knutaf: it didn't make much of an impression on me. but i have a pretty pedestrian palate sometimes

Kirill: I can mail you a jar of caviar for you to perform sandwich experiments on

knutaf: like, are you suggesting using it as a spread?

Kirill: good caviar is not easy to find and many crooks sell shitty ones

Kirill: well, I can describe it how most Russians serve it

Kirill: there are two kinds of well-known caviar

Kirill: black and red

Kirill: black might be banned or something

Kirill: but it's rare to the point that I would have to do a LOT of homework to trust it

Kirill: red is easier to find

Kirill: black is very small granules and more subtle, red is larger granules with a stronger flavor

Kirill: so I'll be talking about red

Kirill: most of the time, you serve it as an appetizer on tiny slices of a white baguette

Kirill: butter or another spread optional

Kirill: I personally think that dark breads, like rye, bring to it another dimension

Kirill: but I can also respect the view that chooses the white bread as a blank slate to let the caviar shine

knutaf: I could see either way working, yeah

knutaf: I think I had red, the one time I had it

Kirill: I think this is what I'll do

Kirill: I'll find out from relatives who sells the most trustworthy caviar and mail you a can

Kirill: and you should just treat it like an alien mailed you some alien bizsauce

Kirill: and see where it works and doesn't

knutaf: i'm intrigued. sounds great

knutaf: gonna get foodz in a sec. i'll probably end up uploading this chat to the blog (edited some)

knutaf: it's too sandwich related not to

Kirill: word

Kirill: spread the word

Kirill: BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIH